a month since

Liza Fernandez

A month since my birthday.
The birth of this body, this time, this heart, this mind.
A time to celebrate.
A time to reflect.
A time for silliness.

Fingers, toes, legs, arms, all in place.
Skin taut and elastic (for now).
Heart wide open.
Mind even more expansive than yesterday.
Curiosity killed the cat, not quite yet.

Here’s to failing.
And failing again.
And failing one more time.

Here’s to celebrating.
And cheering.
And doing the Dance of Joy right now, this moment.
Now this.

Here’s to tears of all sorts.
To breakdowns and breaks in general.
Here’s to light and shadows and how they pirouette before us all.
Here’s to stillness.

I am grateful to be alive.
I am honored to be living during this time.
I am embracing the year ahead with playfulness.
Let’s play.

Liza Fernandez

times up!

times up.jpg

You got an hour!
Like a prison alarm – BAAAAAAANG!
Time’s up.

Almost there.
Sit and write.
Close that door and swallow the stillness whole.
Throw it back like you mean it.
Take it, it’s yours.

Cuz you know that Quiet creaks opens the magic door…
Where the Still Voice lives.
The Still Voice, you know the one
Like an echo of an echo that whispers, “What about me?”

What about that book?
What about that play?
What about that movie?
What about that job?

tomorrow

Waiting...

An ache.
A pain so sharp, it cuts.
Senses are lost in a fog, come back soon.
And there’s a void.
A real one.
Why did he have to go?

Heart beats heavy sighs and legs demand a slower pace.
It takes a million years for arms to move this way and that.
Three weeks is a very long time..
Huge.
Ginormous.
And yet, benign.

I think of those who’ve passed.
Like the pictures of Ron Heren, taped to the fatal pole, the one that ended his life.
A corner where Jackie and I must wait for the lights to change.
Death.
Leaving your loved one is like a death.
And yet, so benign.

Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.

Be tomorrow now.
Fast forward to the race’s end.
Change the lights quick.
Bring back comfort, my pillows and blankets.
Speed this time forward like a jet plane.

get milk

 

got milk?

FADE IN:

He: Well, it’s like a pyramid.

She: Don’t talk to me about pyramids. That guy? That fuckin’ Bernie Madoff? Have you seen the movie with Michelle Pfeifer and Robert DeNiro?

He: That’s not what I mean —

She: — Well, it’s fucked up. And everyone said the movie was shit but I liked it. Anyway.

He: This pyramid is different, Auntie.

She: Different, how?

He: You put your life’s goal at the top and then you backward map.

She: A map?

He: Backward Map!

She: Well —

He: — If you gotta go down the street to buy a carton of milk, what would you do to get there?

She: Is this a game? Like, do you want an answ —

He: — I’m trying to explain what it means. You would put your shoes on, get your jacket on, find your purse, look for your keys, get your wallet, make sure you have enough money to buy milk —

She’: Yeah I know, milk is getting very expensive —

He: — AND THEN. And then you have to cross the street, pass the school and head to the corner store. Backward mapping is the reverse. You start with the carton of milk in your hand and you map out how you got there.

She: Gotcha. So, what does milk have to do with your pyramids?

Sigh.

He: Nothing, forget the milk. I’m trying to tell you that I got the gist of how I’m going to get to university.

She: Oh that, how? Selling milk?

She giggles. He sighs.

FADE OUT.

beep bop boop

Beep Bop Boop

FADE IN: girl on the phone, fidgeting with her hair.

Everyone is outta whack right now.

She sighs.

Like, weird phone calls coming in, wrong emails going out. It’s a THANG. You heard about the eclipsed full moon chaos, yeah?

Puzzled look.

It’s just chaos right now – kids acting outta whack, drama all up and down, mind racing – it’s very eclipsy. You know?

She sighs.

I got a week before I go back to classroom life. What the fuck did I do with this time? Time races on, you know. But, like. What the fuck. Beep, bop, boop, I’ll get my shit together.

You know what? I need to lock myself away for like… 5 days straight. Eat canned food and skull old water and just let my creativity burn. Burn, baby, burn! Let’s it rip. Right now I’m just so occupied with this eclipsy feeling. It’s eating at my LIFE. Like, my time, my attention, my diet, my you know. LIFE.

Yeah. One week, baby. Burn it to the gills. Wait. Is that a thing?

She chuckles.

Sounds like something you’d say, right?

The person on the other end chuckles. 

UGH. Ok. Let’s do this, already.  

shapeshifter

Hourglass Shapeshifter

I’ve been waiting for what feels like, days.
How time is eternal, and what a shape-shifter.
Did I hurt you?
Was it bad timing?
Do you hate me?
Has all of this time become for naught?

I wait.
You on my mind. All day.
My heart is in anticipation.
Making up a multitude of endings.
She will say this.
No, she will yell.
No, she will ignore me forever.

You have carved your name on these last 5 years.
Five years…
The longest I’ve ever had.
I hope it hurts.
I hope I’ve made a dent.
I hope you tear up like I did.

An hour glass.
Delicate. Smash. Cut.
Hold me.
I am afraid.
I am excited.
I am waiting for this chapter to end.
Please be Grace. Please be Glorious.