The Real Me

The Real Me

As I continue exploring Magic, I return to my Creed:

1. I believe in Evolution, the process of upleveling.

2. Humor and Belly laughs unite us.

3. Yoga, meditation, and a healthy lifestyle are my jams.

4. If it’s not a “Hell Yes!” I’m not doing it.

5. I cry when I sing.

6. I believe empathy is the secret sauce for healing and change.

7. Curiosity and Beginner’s Mind are the most frequented tools in my toolbox.

8. I Have Time is my new religion.

9. My father’s death reminds me how fleeting this life is.

10. Love is Love is Love is Love is Love.

Liza Fernandez

dear jackie

dear jackie
Dear Jackie,

I’m parked and looking over a park
Man, you would love this one
I’ll have to bring you here sometime.
I am exhaling a deep sigh,
Taking a breather. From you.

Listen buddy,
I know I can be an ass. I know that my patience runs thin and I get into my moods.
I know I’m snippety and judgemental and can work from primary colors
I know you know I’m only human (thank god)
And I appreciate that you still come to me when I call (thank you)

You will never get this since we removed your testicles,
but it’s hard being a parent, man.
No matter how much shit I’ve dealt with, there’s still so much more.
And I’m only human.
I. Am. Only. Human.
My imperfections can have scary faces and ugly temperaments (even to me)

Being a parent means being a better version of myself
And sometimes I don’t want to do that.
Sometimes I want to be the ‘youngen,’ the child, the receiver.
I want to chuck tantrums and throw all responsibility out the window
Every single piece of it.

Continue reading “dear jackie”

let’s pretend

1_blueberries.jpg

FADE IN: a couple who have been arguing.

Let’s pretend for a while. Let’s be two different people with different pasts and different heartaches.

What are you talking about?

Let’s forget we’re fighting and pretend we don’t know each other. “Hey there,” (he smiles)

Stop it.

“How’s the coffee?”

I’m not playing this stupid game

“That’s a pretty dress.”

“Thank you,” (she mutters as she rolls her eyes)

“Got something special happening today?”

“Nope, just waiting for my boyfriend to wake the fuck up.”

“Oh, he’s a late sleeper?”

“No, he’s a dickhead who can’t see what’s in front of him.”

(he smiles)

“Well, if he forgets to tell you, know that you heard it from me: you look beautiful.”

(she looks away)

“You are beautiful.”

Stop it (she looks away again) 

“Can I get you a blueberry muffin to go with your coffee?”

FADE OUT.

loading…

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Wow, what a month
We have sent 2017 to be archived
Like a book on the shelf of life
Locked and loaded – we made it!

It’s a time of celebration
Mom, sister, brother, all alive and kickin’
My love and dog, healthy; and lifestyle overflowing
To think…

To think, some moons ago, I hated this time
Anniversaries were my annual death
I wailed, isolated myself, stabbed big knives into deep wounds.
My poor love would watch, at my side, hopeless.

Whether it was body, mind, career, money
It was all Hubris
And nieve
And stupid,
And thank God, forgivable.

How can I digest 2017’s feast with greater celebration?
So I can dance through 2018 with purpose and joy and grace,
Like tea with dear old friends?

Time keeps on tock-ticking
Oh, stop it mind —
I fear death may very well be around the corner
I fear that this new awakening inside means I have “arrived”
Please, not yet.

Whether it be the hauntings of my father’s end
Or other such silly self-inflicted hurty-poo’s
I have dreams that are loading.
Please hold…
Let’s load for a little while.

why not?

She doesn’t say thank you.
It’s mindbloggling.
We took her to the moon and back, showed her the stars; live music, delicious eats, Nature, space, room to breathe, ears to listen, shoulders for padding — we have been the best hosts.
And yet.. no thanks.

How about:
Thank you for buying dinner.
Thank you for making me tea.
Thank you for driving me around.
Thank you for the company.
Thank you For. It. All.

I’m watching myself retract from her.
I’m watching myself not wanna care.
Something so simple.
Three words that make all the difference.
And yet.
Why am I so attached?
Why do I need that gratification? And so immediately?

I let it go for some months.
Let this new light fester.
And then..
Out of the blue, she reached out and asked what I wanted for Christmas
To say thanks for making her first West Coast visit one of her favorite memories.

I died.

en route

en route

Thousands of miles above sea level
And land and civilians and traffic and highways
And byways and freeways and schools and corners shops.

How travel does good to the soul!
My eyes are tired but my heart is vibrant
Resilient
And gratefully acknowledged.

Who knows what this journey brings
Life is vast and yet horrifically short
These hard facts humble me
And so, I am awake.

Conversations in foreign tongue surround us
Kitchen smells from last minute bites fill the air,
Like smoke from a magician’s show!
A few seats up, kids squeal with delight
My spirit dances with them.

Oh, how the unknown excites me!
Oh, let us dream and toast
And dream again to the wondrous surprises
That lie ahead.

God forbid some shadow

God Forbid Some Shadow

FADE IN: neighbors staring into the sky.

…And, and I hate to be the bad guy [he leans in] but which neighbor has the brightest outside light? I mean. Come on! It’s brighter than a reading lamp. I told the girls, you know, they’re really sweet but they forget to turn it off all the fuckin’ time. They have guests over tonight so I’ll have to wait. But, man-oh-man. I wanna sleep, you know.
When I moved here 20 years ago, there was darkness. The ol’ school kind. The stars were everywhere, you could see the stars from the ocean. It was beautiful. Now with the whole technology thing, it’s like everybody wants light, God forbid some shadow. There are only 2 spots at the beach that stay dark if you want some star gazing: on the left after the parking lot and the Whaler where the pathway stops; and on the right, at the second parking lot near 23rd. Das it.
It’s slim pickin’s now. Those are my hiding spots.

He looks up.

Yeah…I miss staring into the night.

They look up.

You know, I put a chair in the heart of my garden just for star gazing. Its beautiful. It’s been a while since I’ve sat there but das cuz when’s the last time you’ve seen stars?

We look up again.

I’m sure Orion is somewhere up there.

FADE OUT.