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Wow, what a month
We have sent 2017 to be archived
Like a book on the shelf of life
Locked and loaded – we made it!

It’s a time of celebration
Mom, sister, brother, all alive and kickin’
My love and dog, healthy; and lifestyle overflowing
To think…

To think, some moons ago, I hated this time
Anniversaries were my annual death
I wailed, isolated myself, stabbed big knives into deep wounds.
My poor love would watch, at my side, hopeless.

Whether it was body, mind, career, money
It was all Hubris
And nieve
And stupid,
And thank God, forgivable.

How can I digest 2017’s feast with greater celebration?
So I can dance through 2018 with purpose and joy and grace,
Like tea with dear old friends?

Time keeps on tock-ticking
Oh, stop it mind —
I fear death may very well be around the corner
I fear that this new awakening inside means I have “arrived”
Please, not yet.

Whether it be the hauntings of my father’s end
Or other such silly self-inflicted hurty-poo’s
I have dreams that are loading.
Please hold…
Let’s load for a little while.

why not?

She doesn’t say thank you.
It’s mindbloggling.
We took her to the moon and back, showed her the stars; live music, delicious eats, Nature, space, room to breathe, ears to listen, shoulders for padding — we have been the best hosts.
And yet.. no thanks.

How about:
Thank you for buying dinner.
Thank you for making me tea.
Thank you for driving me around.
Thank you for the company.
Thank you For. It. All.

I’m watching myself retract from her.
I’m watching myself not wanna care.
Something so simple.
Three words that make all the difference.
And yet.
Why am I so attached?
Why do I need that gratification? And so immediately?

I let it go for some months.
Let this new light fester.
And then..
Out of the blue, she reached out and asked what I wanted for Christmas
To say thanks for making her first West Coast visit one of her favorite memories.

I died.

en route

en route

Thousands of miles above sea level
And land and civilians and traffic and highways
And byways and freeways and schools and corners shops.

How travel does good to the soul!
My eyes are tired but my heart is vibrant
Resilient
And gratefully acknowledged.

Who knows what this journey brings
Life is vast and yet horrifically short
These hard facts humble me
And so, I am awake.

Conversations in foreign tongue surround us
Kitchen smells from last minute bites fill the air,
Like smoke from a magician’s show!
A few seats up, kids squeal with delight
My spirit dances with them.

Oh, how the unknown excites me!
Oh, let us dream and toast
And dream again to the wondrous surprises
That lie ahead.

God forbid some shadow

God Forbid Some Shadow

FADE IN: neighbors staring into the sky.

…And, and I hate to be the bad guy [he leans in] but which neighbor has the brightest outside light? I mean. Come on! It’s brighter than a reading lamp. I told the girls, you know, they’re really sweet but they forget to turn it off all the fuckin’ time. They have guests over tonight so I’ll have to wait. But, man-oh-man. I wanna sleep, you know.
When I moved here 20 years ago, there was darkness. The ol’ school kind. The stars were everywhere, you could see the stars from the ocean. It was beautiful. Now with the whole technology thing, it’s like everybody wants light, God forbid some shadow. There are only 2 spots at the beach that stay dark if you want some star gazing: on the left after the parking lot and the Whaler where the pathway stops; and on the right, at the second parking lot near 23rd. Das it.
It’s slim pickin’s now. Those are my hiding spots.

He looks up.

Yeah…I miss staring into the night.

They look up.

You know, I put a chair in the heart of my garden just for star gazing. Its beautiful. It’s been a while since I’ve sat there but das cuz when’s the last time you’ve seen stars?

We look up again.

I’m sure Orion is somewhere up there.

FADE OUT.

dreams to remember

I’ve got dreams, dreams to remember
I’ve got dreams, dreams to remember

Honey, I saw you there last night
Another man’s arms holding you tight
Nobody knows what I feel inside
All I know, I walked away and cried

I’ve got dreams
Dreams to remember
Listen to me
(I’ve got dreams) rough dreams (dreams to remember)

I know you said he was just a friend
But I saw him kiss you again and again
These eyes of mine, they don’t fool me
Why did he hold you so tenderly?

I’ve got dreams
Dreams to remember
Listen, honey
(I’ve got dreams) rough dreams (dreams to remember)

I still want you to stay
I still love you anyway
I don’t want you to ever leave
Girl, you just satisfy me, ooh-wee

I know you said he was just a friend
But I saw you kiss him again and again
These eyes of mine, they don’t fool me
Why did he hold you so tenderly?

I’ve got dreams
Dreams to remember
Listen to me, mama
(I’ve got dreams) bad dreams, rough dreams, oh (dreams to remember)
Don’t make me suffer, don’t let me
(I’ve got dreams, dreams, dreams to remember) rough dreams, bad dreams, rough dreams

– Otis Redding

it’s been a year…

How time flies…
Last year we had an extraordinary, out of the ordinary, holiday season. Check it out below:

home for the holidays

No tree.
No gifts.
No family.
No friends.
No travel.
No holiday food.
No other homes.
No parties.
No guests.
Lots of invitations.

This year we are at home.
This year we welcome a new member to the family so simplicity is key.
This year things are unconventional.

Am I sad? Probably not.
Am I missed? Probably not.
Am I forgotten? Probably not.

Continue reading “it’s been a year…”

’til you’re ready

'til you're ready

I thought I was over it.
It’s been years.
But, it’s not like it’s been years and I didn’t do shit about it.
No, I processed.
I grieved, lost my way, found the map and got back on the path.
(like a machine?)

I don’t want to cry, I tell her.
Like she’s expecting me to.
“That’s ok! You don’t have to. It’ll find its way up.”
(my jaw tightens)

No, but that’s the thing.
This ain’t my first time at the rodeo.
I’ve balled, girl.
Slobbered, face distorted and all kinds of ugly.
(I’m getting tired)

Continue reading “’til you’re ready”