first meet

first meet

I can hear my heart beating.
I can hear myself laughing at his jokes.
I can smell the curly fries from Jack in the Box as we walk to my house
I can feel our hands shaking, as if we were very nervous.
Oh, wait… we are.
It’s the first time he’s coming over for dinner with my family.
I open the gate to my house, slowly and lead him in.
As I slam the gate, leaves fall down from the tree as if like snow; but sadly, it doesn’t snow in LA.
We stop and turn to each other when we arrive at the door.
I can hear my breathing.
I can feel him shaking.
I look into his eyes and say to him, “Ready?”
From where we’re standing I can hear them laughing from the other side of the door.
I squeeze his hand and he squeezes mine.
I pen the door, as I walk in first.
I smell the sweet apples that are in the basket beside the entrance.
And it started with a “hello.”

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First Meet by Angela Hernandez from Before There Were Bars, POPS The Club

the last time

“I hope that the film reminds all of us that when we come together for what seems to be an impossible goal we can achieve great things.”
– Todd Miller, The Last Steps Director

On December 7, 1972, NASA launched Apollo 17, a lunar mission crewed by Eugene Cernan, Ronald Evans and Harrison Schmitt. It would be the last time humans traveled beyond low Earth orbit, the last time man landed on another celestial body, and the last time man went to the moon. The Last Steps uses rare, heart-pounding footage and audio to retrace the record-setting mission. A film by Todd Douglas Miller.

internal vs external

It doesn’t matter if you’re a Christian, a Buddhist, or an atheist… we all have this part of us that just wants to create and express ourselves completely. What we call that part of ourselves really doesn’t matter—people get so caught up trying to name things that they completely miss the point. All that matters is that we connect to that place inside and allow ourselves to get lost in our creativity so we can bring something beautiful into the world.

The problem is, the world has taught us not to connect to that place; instead, we’re trained to connect to everything but that place. We’re supposed to connect to the television, the news, the brands and the society that has tricked us into believing that we’re not enough as we are… and so we get caught in the cycle of trying to find love outside of ourselves in the form of food, money, superficial relationships, clothes, cars, and autographed Back to the Future posters … that last one is probably more me than you, but you get the point.

When we were kids, we didn’t care about any of that crap because we lived in the knowing that “You are what you love, not what loves you.”

When we were kids we just played and did what we loved to do. We created. We danced and sang all day. We didn’t care what people thought about us or what our ex-girlfriend was doing. We were totally free and pretended that we were firemen or astronauts or veterinarians. Our imagination was limitless and our creativity is what was running us. We were living from in to out. As time went on, we learned from society to shut off the oil well of possibilities that lived inside of us and to start moving from out to in. We learned that we can’t do the things that we want to do and that it’s “not that easy.” We learned that there’s not enough to go around and that the only way to feel security in this world is to get as much as possible and hold on to it as tight as you can.

Instead of working on getting as much as we can externally, what if we were focused on growing as much as we can internally? What if we were able to go back to that child-like state where we were filled with wonder and possibility and the desire to play full-out? What if we could step out of the box the world has put us in and realize that life is just one big playground of opportunity? What if you could let go of the results and allow life to lead you into a life that’s even more amazing and fulfilling than you could have ever planned?

Well, you can. Start to enjoy the process of working on yourself. Start to find your own inner fulfillment instead of external distraction. Start acting on what is exciting to you in the moment instead of what you’re supposed to do.

You are what you love, not what loves you.

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Kyle Cease

who cares

Who gives a fuck?
What for?
What experience do you seek?
It’s been too long.
There’s a gap.
You’re on the other side of it.

Really? Why?
Move on.
You’re late.
You never arrived.
Everything everyone says is true.
Listen to them.

Stop while you’re ahead.
The market is saturated.
Oh my god, there you go again.
Let it go.
That’s not you.

It was a stupid idea, anyway.
It didn’t have legs.
You’re not ready.
That someone else’s idea, that’s already happened.

Forgot that shit, let’s do something fun.
Let’s go out.
Let’s go get a drink.
I wanna binge watch that show.
You have to come with me.
This is better.

the double life

I know about things

I am a new person, I may not be the smartest, but I know what’s right for me. I know my value.

I know the feeling of being alone
I know how it feels to have your heart broken
I know how it feels to lose a parent mentally
I know the feeling of always watching your back from every angle
I know the feeling of being handcuffed — being shoved into a cop car and being treated like a criminal
I know the feeling when you feel the rush in your fists and face but step back because you know what you are capable of doing
I know the feeling of carrying drugs in your backpack and hoping you won’t get caught
I know the feeling of having your own mother cry, and you’re the reason why
I know the feeling of punching the wall
I know the feeling of crying at night and picking yourself up the next day and pretending nothing ever happened
I know the feeling of hopping over the fence fearing either you will get your jeans caught or be chased down
I know the feeling of hitting rock bottom.
I know the feeling of living that double life.

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Excerpt: I Put My Life Together by Katherine Secaida from Before There Were Bars, POPS The Club

dear sugar

Cheryl Strayed Dear Sugar

Sunday morning.
The sun peeps through clouds.
I am dreaming of another time, another place, another life.
I look around and imagine life behind another’s closed doors.

I think of Dear Sugar, of Cheryl Strayed.
What a powerhouse.
A heart as big as houses.
As dense, mysterious and spacious as that corner one over there, with the high-reaching trees that guard it.

I think of the vulnerability of humans.
How we seek help from strangers, without filter, without fear.
Parental issues, a miscarriage, an affair, coming out, etc.
Here we are asking each other to hold our hand, to be there as we walk through a dark patch.
Cheryl, Dear sugar, is a real Street Level Miracle.
Radically empathetic.

Take a listen or read the book some time.